God’s Gracious Gift

God pursues you with an intensity that can breathe life into you. ~Jud Wilhite

It started with a dream. 

Do you ever ask God for a crystal ball that shows you your future? Just a small glimpse of ten years out to know that your marriage will be okay, your kids will be safe, and/or your life has not crumbled into a million pieces? I prayed for a look into my future when Jesse and I were trying to get pregnant. We had been trying for six months and I was starting to get worried about our ability to conceive for a second time. God answered my prayer. He gave me a dream. I dreamt that I was pregnant, and that I had cancer.

So, was it a dream? Just a bad dream? It was not really a bad dream though. There was no panic or fear.  A fearful dream would have been from the enemy. I moved on quickly from my dream. At the time, it did not feel like a divine message of what was to come. 

Months went by and Jesse and I continued our plans to get pregnant. We both went into the doctor to see if they could diagnose our inability to conceive. During a procedure I had to test my fallopian tubes. The ultrasound technician noticed something blocking my uterus, polyps potentially. After a consultation with my OBGYN, a D&C was scheduled to, “clear out the cobwebs” as my doctor lovingly put it. As part of the procedure, they would send in samples from the tissue removed to have it biopsied. The results came back abnormal, but I was told not to be concerned. I was advised to meet with an oncologist to discuss future risks of uterine cancer. 

After my procedure, we were advised to wait a full cycle before trying to conceive again. We do not follow rules well. A few weeks later, I had noticed my cycle was off. Even though I expected things to be off due to the procedure, I took a pregnancy test. The faintest of lines showed up. That long-awaited second line was actually there!

The next day I had my meeting with an oncologist. I was practically giddy walking into the office because I was finally pregnant. I told the doctor right away about my good fortune. He proceeded, without compassion, to tell me I likely had uterine cancer and it was very unlikely that this pregnancy was going to be viable. I felt my whole body physically flushing with devastation. He wanted another pathologist to review my lab work and he would get back to me. 

Three weeks later, I get a call from an unknown number on my way to work. The oncologist was on the line. He nonchalantly said, “You have uterine cancer. Do you have any questions?” Questions? I had forgotten my name at that point. I responded with, “I don’t have any questions.” He then proceeded to tell me to call his office if I lost the baby and that we should meet after my pregnancy. 

I sat in my car in the parking garage at work and made two phone calls. One to my very understanding boss to tell her I would not be coming into work and the next to Jesse. I cannot think about this moment without crying. I know God was in the passenger seat of my car with me. Even though I was completely blindsided by this information and the fear of losing my baby, He knew this was going to happen. He even gave me a warning this was going to happen. He got me home safely in a moment when I should not have been driving and covered me in His love during that day.

When we were trying to get pregnant, I had listened to a podcast by Melissa Hessler. She said, “Does a winter tree get insecure about its naked and barren branches? No! It yields to the season it is in. If you asked it to bud leaves it would say, “No, I’m resting and growing my roots”. It will blossom again in time.” I knew in the months we were trying to conceive that God was growing my roots. I have never felt closer to Him as I did in that season. Once I was safely home, I gave my baby, my son, to God. The baby was always His, but I relinquished control and knew whatever happened to this little miracle was God’s plan. And God is always good. I could not do this with my first pregnancy. I didn’t trust God enough.

Life continued, as did my pregnancy. I was sick all the time but grateful that our baby continued to grow. At fifteen weeks, I woke up in the middle of the night because I thought I wet the bed. I was confused and disoriented as I stumbled into the bathroom. When I turned on the light, all I saw was blood. Too much blood. I reasoned it must be a miscarriage. I cleaned up and laid in bed for 8 hours until I could go into the doctor. I cried in a waiting room for over an hour before I was told to come back later in the day for an ultrasound.

 I had enough with these doctors. I told the nurse I needed to be seen by someone who would, at the very least, check for a heartbeat. I’m sure they envisioned a desperate pregnant woman jumping over the counter and throttling them otherwise. After the flash of fear in their eyes passed, they brought me to an exam room. It only took a few seconds for them to find the most glorious pitter-patter. Our baby still had a heartbeat. Later in the day we had an ultrasound and we discovered the blood was a result of a tear in my cervix. Other than some restrictions I had to adhere to, everything would be okay.  

I was set on a mission to find all new doctors. I knew the treatment I was getting was not enough and I was not being cared for as a person, only a patient. I thank God for this guidance because this was not going to be the only hurdle I would face. 

My pregnancy continued to be difficult. Once I got past the constant nausea, we found out that the baby had a two-vessel umbilical cord and I had an auto-immune disease. I had an ultrasound almost every week to monitor the growth of the baby. My new doctors (of which I had three) were collaborative and diligent in making sure we stayed healthy. 

I took 8 different pills and drank 80 grams of protein a day. I could not exercise or do anything strenuous. The stress was building for me. I thought about the well-being of this baby constantly. Would the cancer affect him? Would he grow quickly enough? Would he have kidney issues? Were we going to get to meet this little boy? At a point when it all seemed like too much, I found a bit of solace when we picked out a name for our son. We choose the name Jaxon which means God’s gracious gift. 

God’s gracious gift

Jaxon was a breech baby that did not want to turn. We scheduled a C-section and having a scheduled arrival date made things simple. I flew out my mom, wrapped things up at work, and went to check into the hospital. As I sat in the operating room with my back arched so they could do a spinal block I could only think one thing… RUN! They were about to cut me open, and I wanted to get out while I could! But I stayed. I knew everything I had been through in the prior 18 months was going to be nothing in comparison to holding my son, Jaxon. 

Being a mother has provided me with many life lessons. Some lessons have shown me where I need to grow as a child of God. Others have given me an understanding of God’s love for His children. Until my daughter Lexi was born, I could not fathom loving like God loves us. With Jaxon’s birth, I was ready for the life-altering love that motherhood could bring. My heart grew meeting this little boy. He is such a gift for our family. 

6 weeks after Jaxon’s birth I had another D&C as part of my cancer treatment. My pathology came back quickly. As I held the miracle baby, I was unsure I’d ever get to meet, I got the news - there was no cancer present. The progesterone from my pregnancy treated my cancer. 

My relationship with God grew in a season of waiting; a cancer was found that we wouldn’t have known about if we hadn’t had trouble conceiving; our family now has a healthy baby that defied his perceived viability; and my cancer was cured by his pregnancy. This truly was the most gracious gift from God.

Gifts are not always wrapped in pretty paper with a big bow. Sometimes they arrive later than you expect, and the packaging is a big mess. Everything about my experience was a gift from God. During our struggle to conceive, God provided a sense of peace and growth in our relationship. I can be slow to listen and stubborn. As a loving father, He was patient with me. He was alongside me when I found out I had cancer. I prayed that He would release me from the fears of not being able to meet my son or not living long enough to raise my babies. He gave me a sense of gratitude. A perspective to see that our inability to conceive is what allowed the doctor to find the cancer in my body. We can’t always see the darkness growing inside of us, but God shone His light on this, and it was caught early. And of course, the grand finale of gifts, a beautiful son and clean pathology report. Having cancer and being pregnant is perhaps the greatest journey of my life thus far. I’ve never felt deeper or relinquished control more.

Ephesians 2:8 - For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God

- Written by Christy Jansma